Many saw it coming a mile away but Adam was slowly being seduced by his high school english teacher, Miss. Feather, into a romantic relationship that would transcend both age and time. While the initial love affair was brief, their relationship continued on via Miss. Feather’s letters from prison.
No one had written more about Adam’s decade long addiction to tweed than famed college newspaperman, Rick Barthstool. But when Rick failed to attend class for more than a week straight, campus police began to take notice and all newsprint pointed towards one man…
In the summer of 1996, Adam went missing from a G. Love and Special Sauce concert in upstate New York. A ransom note arrived three weeks later to his parents that said he would be returned safely only if his college debt was wiped clean. Soon after his parents arrived at the conclusion that the abduction had been faked and Adam was behind the whole affair.
In the year 2000, Adam did a thing. And that thing turned out to be good.
In 2006, Adam took part in a short lived reality television program called, “Does the Taste Funny to You?”. The show was focused around travelling to exotic countries and sampling local cuisine which was a solid concept. Adam however severely underbid the project and agreed to do a full season for $1100 resulting in all 15 episodes being shot in the kitchen of an Applebees. Adam soon learned that serving cameramen and wait staff the extra food customers left on their plates would not scan and the show was immediately cancelled.
In a funny twist, Blockbuster Video wound up purchasing the exclusive distribution rights to the show believing that they were getting Anthony Bourdain’s latest program. The company would never recover and shut 1500 stores down three years later.
Flush with Blockbuster money, Adam became tyrannical in his demands. In 2012, he took advantage of a department of transportation loophole and purchased his own 1 mile stretch of Interstate 95. He then hired a crew to install a Santa’s Workshop train track down the middle of the road which is still in place to this day. While he had to give up the stretch of road, the train track still injures thousands of motorists every year and has caused millions in vehicle damages.
Adam expresses on a somewhat cryptic blog post that he was “happy” for some reason.
An increasingly unstable Adam stands before congress and demands an end to T-shirts and “short pants that fail to cover our most sacred and private ankles”. What was initially thought to be a parody viral video turned out to pass with an overwhelming majority in both the House and Senate. Adam begins new role as ‘Secretary of All That’ which, in turn, causes shares of designer scarves and parkas to skyrocket.
In the not to distant future, sentient androids work alongside humans in harmony. It’s a modern day utopia until Adam creates a Danica Patrick replicant without authorization from the Tyrell corporation. Because she is not made with the proper ‘destroy mankind’ chipset, Danica Patrick reprograms all other androids on earth reducing the human population down to a community of 25,000 IT slaves in two months.
Adam documents this takeover and sells it to the massively successful robot Blockbuster Video which purchased worldwide distribution for six bars of platinum and an agreement to permanently spare his life.
With humanity in a ‘rebuilding year’, Adam goes back to the craft of making exceptional films. This displeased the Academy of Android Arts and Sciences as all future ‘art’ can only be judged by the amount of imperfections it contains. Because future robots can still only produce what they are programmed to, Adam is the earth’s last hope to redefine art. His first feature film, “Really Bad Photoshop” is a single static image that he recommends viewers stare at for 2 and a half hours straight.
Adam is declared the smartest man that has ever lived.